Why am I too nice? The psychological phenomena of false self/true self and reaction formation.

Reading this probably means that you are someone who finds it meaningful to be there attentively for others. You may be someone who reaches out first to see how others are getting on, and whether they need any support. Perhaps, you are often actively thinking of how your behaviour may affect others, and you adjust it accordingly, to avoid them feeling bad. You are kind, perhaps what society nowadays calls "a people pleaser". You seriously take into account other people's needs and are willing to go the extra mile to meet them. Sometimes, you may even do this at the cost of your own needs; sacrificing for others, prioritising them consistently over yourself. You are more selfless than "selfish". The idea of being "selfish" feels too negative to you. A voice in your mind says that asking for your own needs to be met and setting firm boundaries when they aren't is inherently bad, too selfish, too egotistic, perhaps even narcissistic.

You may even be carrying a sense that you are a burden to others. That you are perhaps too much, and that no one really cares. Why would you even bother talking about your own problems to them?

Even if you are not lonely, as a result, you may feel too alone, perhaps exploited by others too.

You may be feeling that others are using you as a punching bag, dumping their problems without a filter on you. You may at times feel it's too much; you may even be experiencing anxiety because of it, as if other people's problems become your own to solve, leaving you drained and resentful.

But you can't say that, it's not acceptable. You keep relating to others in a way that is primarily or solely serving them and their needs. You perhaps identify as the carer, the supporter, everyone's therapist.

If you find yourself having that role consistently in your relationships, there is a reason for it. Through this article, I will try to speak to a few experiences that may have contributed to this kind of relating.

The false self/true self phenomenon

This concept was first introduced by Donald Winnicott, in his foundational 1960 paper Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. Essentially, it refers to a psychological phenomenon whereby being truly ourselves was not really acceptable.

As a child, you were perhaps told off or even punished because you were "too childish" or "naughty". Often, you didn't get much attention, and what was going on for others (e.g. your parents or siblings) mattered more. You were a secondary character, while others were the centre of attention as the protagonists. Yet, you played an important function there: silently accepting the role of the supporting character, without really being given a choice, making sure the protagonists had all the space they needed. Taking on that role meant that you started shaping yourself through the role's function. Be there for others, having space in your mind for them, while learning that your own needs were not a priority. This part of yourself is what Winnicott calls "the false self". A part of you that is there to serve, to care, to please.

But this comes at a high psychological price: your true self being neglected. Your needs, desires, impulsiveness, any feelings that had nowhere to go or couldn't be contained, stayed silently unexpressed, as it was probably pointless or even dangerous to express. In order to be loved, accepted, not punished, you had to carry on being nice. Perhaps too nice. There was not much space to say no. To express that what was going on was too much for you. That there was a complete imbalance between how much space you had and how much others had. That you needed to have a voice too. You perhaps started learning, without realising, that being nice and selfless gave you a purpose. But it primarily served others, not you.

The psychological defence of reaction formation

Sigmund Freud began exploring the concept of psychological defence mechanisms in his 1894 paper The Neuro-Psychoses of Defence, and the specific mechanism of reaction formation was later named and systematised by his daughter, Anna Freud, in her 1936 book The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence.

Sigmund and Anna Freud believed that when a genuine (true-self) response can lead to intolerable anxiety, it won't be felt and will remain unconscious to us. Instead, it may be replaced by the opposite idea or behaviour.

Essentially, the original, true-self thought, attitude, or desire is unacceptable to have due to prior experiences that proved it, and if we were to more fully feel or express it, there would be consequences. The Freuds believed that an opposite to the original behaviour may be manifested in an exaggerated manner in order to disguise the unwanted instinct. It is essentially an overcompensation to transform the unacceptable impulse into acceptable behaviour.

How does this apply to me?

Back in those days, not being "too nice" was not acceptable. It would have meant that the response you would have gotten if you were to be more "yourself" would have led to friction, rejection, or even perhaps aggression and violence. You had to, in a way, guard yourself, even if that meant shaping your behaviour in inauthentic ways. Your frustration turned into perseverance to keep being nice, to keep loving and relating the way you were expected to do so. Your anger turned silently into "love". Your sadness turned quietly into an artificial lightness of spirit, a fake smile, or the role of "entertainer". The only way to survive was to become disingenuous to your own feelings, and flip them upside down in order to keep being the only version of yourself that was acceptable.

Can therapy really help?

It can. Therapy cannot promise certain results. But what I can promise as your therapist is that we will try to surface and honour all your emotions. That there will be no judgement, and that all the versions of yourself will find space in our therapeutic relationship. Hopefully, over time, this experience will help you internalise and learn that you don't have to be that version all the time anymore. That the real you, your true self, is good enough and worthy of attention, and ultimately love. The ride may be bumpy. We may have to face and confront feelings, experiences and faces of the past that are unpleasant to stay with. We will do this together at your own pace, always striving to make sure all parts of you have a voice. The voice that was silenced before.